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Monday, January 15th, 2007
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1:50 am - last day..
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today is my last day writin this journal.. dunno y.. jus dun wish to continue.. i'm tired of life.. so i'm goin to spend a very long time to find back myself.. i think i wld still prefer to write my diary.. after all, it's been quite smetimes tat i din write my diary.. or perhaps i'll create a blog in friendster.. haha..
well, thx for accompanyin me until today.. though i still lost hope in life but i wont blame u.. gd bye..
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| Friday, January 12th, 2007
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1:53 am - a life w/o a soul and directions..
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i really dunno who i can turn to for help.. i really dunno. there's no one i can depend on.. i'm scared, really scared.. i have no idea wat to do w my life.. many times, i wanted to turn to sucide.. it's meaningless to carry on livin.. i tried askin him for help.. he told me tat he had no money.. i know tat he's lyin.. he jus doesnt wan to lend me.. it's okay.. in another 12 hrs, i had to face my problem.. my hp had been disconnected for outgoin calls and msgs.. perhaps tat's gd.. i hope it'll disconnect soon.. i dun wish to hear anythin fr frens nor anyone.. i jus wish to hide myself in my room.. wan to shut myself in my own world..
been havin panic attacks for e last 3 days.. very xin ku.. also havin asthma attacks.. dunno how come my asthma will attack.. perhaps becos i'm too stressed or becos of my cough.. life is fill w stress, unhappiness and illness.. i wish God will grant me 1 wish tat i had always been askin.. let me die early.. i'm really tired.. really..
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| Thursday, January 11th, 2007
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2:40 am - frustrated..
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tml got to go to court liao.. haha.. i dunno wat to do or say.. feelin kind of frustrated..
last nite went out w peiwen and billy.. din drink much but i was totally drunk.. perhaps in a lousy mood ba.. well, if in a lousy mood, will get drunk much more easier.. today jus realised tat peiwen had agreed to start a relationship w billy.. i mean, i'm happy for her yet at e same time, worry for her.. afterall, she's still in a marriage.. i cant blame her for her decision but will advise her.. well, dunno wat to write today.. feelin frustrated.. not feelin well again.. nite..
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| Monday, January 8th, 2007
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4:39 pm - stress!!!
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i din get into emirates airline.. haha.. they gave a stupid topics.. pls give 3 citerias for noel peace prize winner.. my group had 11 persons.. first 6 persons get to talk only cos they dun others to have a chance to speak up.. it was in a market, bargainin.. haha.. well, it's okay.. these few days also doin nothin.. met him after my interview.. then have dinner then go home liao lor.. hee.. last nite went drinkin w frens until 4plus then reach home.. not drunk cos i din drink much as i left in e middle to meet Kewei for 2 hrs then saw my frens again.. but i was feelin tired then drunk.. was on e phone w Ahfai since he was still awake at tat time, alone at office.. poor thing.. had a long chat.. hopefully, he get to have some slp before workin time.. i slept ard 9am.. then din have a gd slp cos e next door neighbour was havin renovation.. i was irritated by e noise.. super loud.. headache.. so woke up alot of times.. now jus wake up for an hr.. also dunno wat to do.. in a blur blur state.. fri is reachin soon.. wat shd i do? headache...
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| Friday, January 5th, 2007
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11:15 pm - emirates airline's openin tml..
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i'm anxious.. very anxious.. tml will b emirates openin day.. a day tat i had been pendin.. was at sis's place again.. went to collect my wallet fr e person who picked it.. everythin was safe jus tat it was very messy.. haha.. brought Ryan to se doc cos his fever still hangin ard 39.1.. wonderin was i e one who spread e fever to him.. sad.. he had been slpin for 4 hrs.. a very very long time.. hee.. well, managed to get Justin (my 2nd bro-in-law) to take a full length and a passport size photo for me.. hee.. cos da jie took e pic so so ugly.. haha.. felt very very happy.. i din call him.. neither did he.. well, it's okay.. i'm learnin to let go..
ohh ya.. tml got e beadin lesson for e watch.. ohh no.. dun think can attend liao.. cos it's fr 1pm to 3pm.. haiz.. jialat..
hee.. he now on e phone w me.. hee..
me wearin formal wear..
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12:07 am - suay suay suay
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as i said, was down w throat infection and flu.. suay.. was feelin slpy e whole day becos of e medicine.. was w sis since afternoon.. went to ntuc w her and Ryan.. bought alot of things then once reachin home, Ryan became very naughty.. haha.. bought him down to e playground.. grumpy becos he's goin to slp soon.. bought him his fav wang wang xiao man tao.. he happy liao lor.. eat w a smilin face.. finally.. but poor me, i lost my wallet w/o knowin it.. went back to my sis' place and patted Ryan to slp.. had a quick lunch, browse thru e newspaper then went to rest beside Ryan for awhile.. din know tat he'll talk in his slp.. scared me.. haiz.. actually wanted to go to parkway w them but started to rain heavily.. so might as well dun go out.. realised tat i had lost my wallet when i was walkin to e bus stop.. suay.. went back to sis's place to search her house.. din managed to find it.. report to e police.. feelin very frustrated.. feel like cryin.. well.. received a gd news jus now.. someone called me and informed me tat her grandpa had actually found my wallet.. cos i got a receipt inside w my mobile num on it.. thx, God!! heng.. if not, i dunno how to go for e interview on sat.. ohh no!! i havent taken any full length formal photo shoot.. siao liao.. hopefully, tml still able to develop e photo for sat.. got to slp now.. head very heavy le..
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| Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
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11:16 pm - sick sick
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met him on sun's evenin.. went to bugis to walk walk ard.. he bought a long sleeve tee.. i felt tat it look great on him.. haha.. his mood was very gd tat nite..
on new yr day, went to sim lim sq.. bought xd card for my camera.. started to fall sick again tat nite.. throat started to feel very pain and was havin fever.. he hugged me to slp as he able to feel tat i'm hot all over.. started to sweat abit.. thought tat my fever had gone down but when i reach hom on e 2nd, my fever was 37.8 and by 2am, my fever had reach 38.3.. i made myself weat thru out e nite and my fever had finally gone down this afternoon to 36.7..
now it's rainin outside.. feelin abit warm and sweatin again.. well, hopefully, i can recover soon..
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| Sunday, December 31st, 2006
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3:00 am - i'm feelin sad..
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i had been out almost e whole day.. went to south bridge rd to register my class for my beadin, then to bedok to return my books.. then went to ntuc to buy diapers, tissue papers and wet wipes for my sis.. then went home to have dinner w them.. jus reach home abt 2.20am.. went drinkin w peiwen and billy.. drank alot tonite.. i cant remember how many glasses of henessy neat.. guess, quite alot cos beside drinkin for myself, still have to drink for peiwen.. was playin some games w their frens.. was abit hungry so went to 7-11 to get some food..
when billy sent me back, e radio was playin 'Better Man'.. it is his fav song.. felt sad all of a sudden.. feel like cryin.. actually, i miss him alot.. i wish he's rite beside me now.. i wish he cld hug me to slp..
i'm unable to leave sg for e moment cos of e charge tat i'm facin.. i'm wonderin whr i can get those money.. i still have to pay for my phone bills, my hospital bills, my daily transportation cum meals and others.. now kanna this court case, got to pay $750.. i wish money will drop fr e sky.. headache..
current music: better man
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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11:28 pm - i'm tired and frustrated..
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morn went to brin Tristan and Ryan to mama's market to have lunch.. then sat a long bus ride to Jurong.. both of them slept soundly on e bus.. before reachin e interchange, they had woke up.. brought them to science centre.. had lots of funs there.. met my sis at jurong interchange ard 5plus.. went to IMM to have our dinner.. went for some shoppin.. bought a sleeveless tee, quite cheap though it's espirit.. think it's like warehse sales like tat.. receive a bad news.. need to attend court on 12th of jan.. stupid agency decided to sue me.. bloody hell.. have to pay them 750 bucks.. and worse still, i lost my appointment letter w e company.. so now, i guess wat i can do is to defend myself by tellin e judge tat i dun have any copy of e letter tat i signed w e agency.. headache.. slp..
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| Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
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11:20 pm - i'm bushed...
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woke u at 7am this morn.. slept only 4 hrs.. went for a quick bathe then eat my breakfast.. went to bedok library to meet up w my sis and her kids.. brought them to e library while my sis went for counsellin.. they were extremely naughty today.. ran ard in e library then Ryan left his toy in e library.. realised after we went out of e library and were walkin ard NTUC before i realised tat his toy went missin.. went back to e library to search for it.. luckily, none of e kids at e library take it.. went to buy some sushi for them to eat.. Tristan started to complain tat he's very hungry.. brought them to hawker to have lunch and my sis joined us shortly.. took bus 67 and ohh no!! it was packed w pple.. so got off e bus and took num 2 instead.. sis took Tristan to KK hospital for checkup while Ryan was sound aslp on e bus.. dropped off at chinatown then brought him to burger king.. saw my ex-colleague and she gave him a toy.. haha.. then walked ard chinatown w Ryan.. it was fun bein alone w him cos he'll b much more nicer rather together w Tristan.. went to OG's toys' section.. e moment, he lost sight of me, he'll actually cry out.. haha.. then met my sis and Tristan at bugis ard 5pm.. went to Billy Bomber for dinner.. haiz.. see, they cant b together.. screamin, shoutin, challengin each other and all sort of nonsense came out.. headache.. my sis and me were so flared up!! went to walk ard seiyu for a while.. my legs are achin cos walkin for e whole day then shoulders seems to b achin too cos carryin my bag and their bag.. went back to bedok NTUC to buy a new water bottle for Tristan.. by e time i reached home, it was already 10pm.. made myself relaxed by lyin down on e sofa.. eyes are closin while i am typin.. Peiwen jus msged me, askin me whether wan to go for a drink or not.. wonderin i shd join her or not.. cravin for a drink but at e same time, feelin tired.. haha.. afterall, decided to join her for a drink.. hopefully tml can wake up by 8am to take care of e kids..
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12:02 am - a happy nite w a happy smile..
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yesterday spent my day w him.. as usual, gave me a black face all e way.. snuggled w him on e bed durin nappin hrs.. woke up at ard 8 plus.. gosh, both of us were very hungry cos e last meal was in e morn.. had mcondald.. went to eat warm pipin porridge at geylang.. kaoz.. very expensive wor.. then his feelin started to lighten up.. we sat there for a very long time cos started to rain shortly after we finished our dinner.. had a chat.. then went back to his hse to sp instead.. we had fun makin dragonflies knots.. haha.. managed to find e step by step of doin it thru net.. then he helped me fixed my laptop..
woke him up at 7.15am for work.. it was still rainin so he left me at home, slpin.. i woke up ard 10am cos his ex brought a guy to e hse and his talkin was very loud.. so woke me up.. i waited for them to leave e hse before i climbed out of e cosy bed to wash up.. started doin finish e gift i planned to give to him.. a total of 108 cranes.. then i hanged it up w bluetack on top of his bed.. still got 101 seagulls but not goin to give him yet.. on e 1st of jan ba.. went home abt 4pm.. still rainin.. caught in e rain while walkin to e bus stop cos my things are too heavy then forgot i got my umbrella inside my bag..
he called me when he reached home.. he said he liked it alot.. thx, God.. i'm glad tat he like it.. at least tat is somethin i did it myself and i really do tat e cranes will bless him w happiness while e seagulls will take away his unhappiness and stress.. at least i know tat he's happy.. hopefully, we'll b meetin up on sun and i'll b able to stay over at his place cos my hse will b super empty.. my parents n bro will b goin to kl on sun's nite then come back on e wee on e 2nd jan..
ohh ya.. dunno whether he got open up e box to see e wallet and belt tat i got for him.. i guess, this present is e most expensive present i ever got for a person.. i dun even buy a gift for myself which cost over 100 over bucks.. but if he like it, i think it'll worth e price.. afterall, it might b e last gift tat i'm givin to him..
i really hope tat if one day in future when i return, we'll still have a chance to b together again.. by then, i think i shd b more mature than now.. e ring on my finger, i'll wear it forever.. cos it's our valentine's day ring..
gd nite...
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| Monday, December 25th, 2006
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4:51 pm - my last x'mas w him..
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i guess today will b my last day w him.. a man who used to loves me alot yet now, hates me alot.. he dun wish to see me again.. i decided to leave him.. anyway, i'll b leavin here soon.. i dunno whether i am able to forget him.. i guess it'll b very hard for me to forget him.. afterall, he's e man tat i loves e most and no matter wat he did to me, i still love him.. i shd learn how to let go..
in e past, i'm very independant.. perhaps w him, i felt secure and have e urge to have someone to depend on.. wat i'm most worry abt him, is his way of livin bein a single man.. i hope he wont go back to his old ways.. this is e most worryin thing tat i am afraid of.. got alot of things to tel him before i leave but i know, i'll cry if i talk to him face to face..
i know tat he felt very frustrated bein w me.. for e past few mths, everythin was alrite btw us except for a few times.. this time, nothin can b helped.. to leave him and to leave this place whr i called home, it's somethin very difficult for me.. sittin on e plane for more than 10 hrs to a place i had no idea.. i have to pick up myself once again.. love is too painful for me.. i dun wish to get involved in it anymore.. i'm totally scared of it..
jus realised tat everyone beside me seems to hate me.. my parents, my sliblings, my dear dear, my frens.. all of them.. i felt lonely.. had no one to talk to.. i can only talk to myself jus like an insane person..
for e past few nites, i had dreamt of my grandparents w my children.. i regretted abortin them.. i had no other choices.. if i can turn back e time, i wish i had agreed to his propose.. if... i remembered in my dreams, i played w my children.. a boy and a gal.. i felt very sorry to do these to them.. all i can ask fr them is to watch after their daddy.. make sure their daddy wont go back to e same way..
i wish.. i hope.. these are wat i can do now..
current music: 心太软 - 任贤齐
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| Sunday, December 24th, 2006
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11:28 pm - a x'mas eve full of tears..
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我不明白到底又在发生了什么事。。他的心情很差。。一直叹气。。我也不知道他为何脾气那么坏。。再次的和我发脾气。。因为我说他，躲在厕所半个钟头在发信息，不懂得尊敬我。。他开始发很大的脾气。。都是我的错。。。很快的，我就要离开新加坡了。。我还没有对他说。。也许，对他说了也是没有反应。我不想知道如果他知道我要走的反应。也许会是不舍得，也许会是不管他的事。。我很怕，我会更加难过。。我很累了。。
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11:56 am - down w gastric flu...
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on fri, brought Ryan out to Vivo City.. he had a very nice slp on e bus.. once reachin Vivo, he had finally woke up.. brought him to e playground and played w e fountain.. haha.. he had very fun time playin e water for half an hr by himself.. afterwhich, changed his clothes for him then brought him to Starbucks.. bought him steamed milk while i drank caffe mocha.. well, most probably, he drank 2 sips fr my mocha and i started feelin unwell in half an hr's time.. after his milk, bought him to toys r us to let him play w e toys.. went to daiso afterwhich cos i wan to get e woods for diy beadin loom.. he fell down backwards and hit his back of his head when sittin at e bus stop bench.. but luckily, his cryin only lasted 15 secs.. e bus num 10, sat until i felt like pukin as i was already feelin unwell.. he was havin a nice time, eatin his wan wan xiao man tao.. then met my sis, came back to my place.. halfway havin my dinner, i almost puked out all my food and was runnin to e toilet.. at ard 9pm, i took a cab down to his place.. then i fell aslp before 10pm.. but was awaken by his ex cos she and her bf was talkin super loudly and upstairs neighbour, dunno wat they were doin, knockin on e flr.. had a very xin ku slp.. i was tossin ard.. slpt until sat's afternoon before he woke me up.. he came back fr seein doc.. but after a short while, i dozed off to slp again.. until 6plus then woke up.. went downstairs to have porridge.. no much appetite.. almost puked again.. he sent me back home afterwhich.. he's not in a gd mood.. i also dunno wat's wrong w him.. hopefully, he'll like e present tat i gave him.. once upon reachin home, had a quarrel w mama.. then felt aslp until 11.30am woke up.. stomach finally start to growl.. goin to boil some porridge.. hopefully, able to eat..
i hope can spend my christmas's eve w him.. a peaceful christmas, stayin at home w him.. but is it possible?
current mood:  sick
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| Thursday, December 21st, 2006
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2:53 am - drunk
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i was ouit shppin for my beads since afternoon ard 5pm.. shop until 7.45pm.. met peiwen for dinner then billy joined us.. went for drinks.. drank hoe garden then martell.. then afterwhich, heinken.. gosh.. i drank alot today.. was kind of drunk.. cant type properly.. wan to slp.. head feelin heavy.. i miss my bed..
- - - - - 0ink 0ink - - - - -
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| Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
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12:13 am - i'm bushed.......
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this morn woke up at 7am.. blur blur walk into e bathroom and bath w cold water.. forgot to switch on e heater.. went over to my uncle's place then follow to my sis's place..
actually, today only suppose to brin Ryan out.. but Tristan wan to tag along and didnt wan to go to sch.. so brought e 2 of them to Parkway.. erms.. let them run ard e kids' ride then to Isetan's toys' section.. Tristan was quite naughty.. din eat anythin for lunch.. i wont forget today for sure.. Ryan actually havin tummyache and din bother to say anythin until i smell it.. gosh.. his poo poo was so so damn smelly.. but cant blame him cos he's havin gastric flu.. then change his diaper for him.. so paiseh cos everyone who walk passed e nursin room will comment tat there's a funny smell.. it was actually Ryan's poo poo.. haha.. buay tahan.. bought a set of toys for them to share.. today was rainin e whole day.. had difficulty bringin them home.. imagine, carryin my own bag, their bag, their toys, an umbrella, carryin Ryan as he fell aslp on e bus ride home and holdin on to Tristan.. worse still, there's no available cab in sight.. gosh.. bo bian.. then ended up, took a bus which will somehow pass by my sis' place but got to walk a distance away.. better than nothin.. better than let e kids stand w me at e bus stop, w e strong wind blowin at them.. when we reached home, i was totally wet.. haha.. but first thing got to do was to change their clothes.. my sis was very very very surprised cos she din know tat i actually bought toys for them.. she was wonderin how i actually managed to get them home.. w all those stuffs.. i regret buyin e toys for them cos it was really a hinder to me when carryin so many things.. well, bo bian.. bought liao..
got a bad news today.. haiz.. my niece, little Megann, kanna gastric flu too.. gosh.. tat's somethin very bad.. my elder sis's family, includin her in-laws had kanna fr Tristan 2 weeks ago.. then now, my second sis's family, only little Megann kanna it.. quite worry cos she's not even a yr old.. and she vomitted 5 times today.. haiz.. headache..
i'm totally tired.. wonder how i actually make myself awake until now.. it's still rainin heavily.. i'm bushed.. off to bed.. gd nite..
current mood:  sleepy
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| Monday, December 18th, 2006
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11:21 pm - super lazy day..
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reached back home this morn.. din have a gd rest last nite.. so by 11am, i was back to bed.. think ard early noon, started to rain heavily again.. e rain was on and off, drizzle then heavy.. super nice day to hide under e blanket to slp..
waoke up at 3plus.. started to redo my watc cos e swarovski crystals are cuttin my hands.. so dismantle everthin.. had a very hard time doin it.. 2 layers of strap.. 1 strap was made of cat's eye beads then e other layer was e swarovski crystals.. paused for dinner after doin finish e 1 layer.. finally do finish everythin before 10pm.. gosh..
now feelin slpy again.. got to go back to slp cos tml got to wake up at 7am to bath then go over to my uncle's place to pray to my grandpa then go over to my sis's place to fetch little ryan out.. pls... dun rain tml if not, i really have no idea whr to brin him liao..
redo my 1st watch.. but somehow, felt tat it wasnt as pretty as e 1st..
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| Sunday, December 17th, 2006
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7:07 pm - my 1st watch art piece
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12:42 am - stress..
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心情还是很闷。。不知为何。。今天去图书馆，借了书。回到他的家，又在做女佣。。觉得生活很单调。。哈哈。。
觉得无力做任何事情。。觉得人生很累人。。
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| Thursday, December 14th, 2006
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11:38 pm - rainy day.. feelin restless again..
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it's been rainin since last nite.. then stopped but it rained again in e afternoon.. guess these few wks will b rainin everyday..
i had resigned.. must b surprised rite? somethin happened at home.. got to help out for 2 wks.. e company dun have time to wait for me for 2 wks cos e accounts asst. will b leavin this mth end.. no choice.. got to search for another job lor.. i'm not optismistic at all.. my elder sis's side are havin alot of problems.. need to babysit for her for 2 wks.. heard tat her father-in-law had been admitted to hospital again and her in-laws' got to go under renovation.. which is y she need my help.. perhaps it's very silly to quit my job jus to babysit for her.. but well, it's okay w me.. this company is not bad under e admin manager but their accountin system is kind of slow.. every morn issue delivery orders and invoices for e store to ship out their gds then afterwhich, do some filin.. go and buy lunch then rest until 1pm.. e gal also nvr teach me other things than delivery orders and invoicin.. so everyday was kind of very free in e afternoon.. then they always chit chat here and there.. nvr really see them workin.. haha.. i guess my dear dear will b very angry if he knows tat i had resign.. i dunno how to tell him or face him..
now, i felt very restless in everythin.. very very restless.. i dun feel like doin anythin even my jewelry.. i couldnt draw out a single design.. felt very frustrated.. i need a pillar to lean on.. i felt very depressed.. i dunno who i can talk to, to solve my problems.. perhaps i'll take up a part-time job first.. e interview for emirate airways will b on the 6th and 7th jan.. i havent go for e photoshoot for a formal full-length photo.. i had check my bank balance.. left only 200 bucks.. i guess i have to be very very careful w my spendin until i get a new job.. i'm stress..
current mood:  stressed
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